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Archive for May, 2015

I didn’t think it could happen to me.

I didn’t think that I could be deflected by recurring circumstances (a life entirely constructed around work routine), to lose the perspective of a cool fresh head/heart.

It did.

In my case, I got into the routine.

My day. Wake up at 6:00, don’t meditate like I used to, don’t say “thank you for this moment” like I used to. For a long time, I woke up tired. I still do from internalized stresses, even with my sleep apnia machine.

Nearly immediately, I get on my cell phone by my bed, read my facebook feed, argue about Israel for an hour (initiating my tension addiction), eat (counting calories), check in with my wife (briefly), walk the dog while listening to music that I can barely hear. Quickly take a shower, get dressed.

Then drive 20 miles to work in a car that is bigger than I would ever desire on its own merits. Also, listening to music that I can barely hear. Then climb the stairs in the converted factory building.

Routinely say hello to my two workmates, whom I also can’t hear really, who are also right in the work rat race (busy). Plop down at my computer. Wait while the computer goes through its contorted startup routine. Close the dozen pop-up programs that require me to close them to continue. Open up the three programs that I use daily, wait for them to boot up. (One also requiring two passes to get it to open.)

Read my daily e-mail, 1/2 spam, another 1/3 announcements of who will be late,  Maybe 1/6 requiring me to act on something useful.

OK, that’s everybody’s in box.

Then, at the screen, all day every day. Governed by my very routine to do list.

And, all in a background of tension, every minute of every day there. I appreciate many things about all the people there, but I can’t get my boss and our current less than perfect work relationship out of my mind. It haunts me. And, I know that aspect of the problem adds an edge to my response to everything, and that that is my problem, my responsibility to manage.

The objective reasons for work tension remain, but the emotional ones are in the front of my mind.

6 hours (a short day). 10 minute lunch, then back to it.

Then guilt that I’m leaving work while my workmates continue (they work 8 hours).

Then a tense drive home, like all other commuters.

Then eat a snack as I’ve usually not eaten enough during the day and I’m ravenous (dieting too). Then, back to my home computer to write about Israel again (continuing my stress/”I’m needed” addiction). Then a bit of philosophical musing of the pointlessness of human existence, anybody’s, mine. Then, some more self-pity, running over my day, my angers, my reasons why I’m right.

Then I cook dinner, and spend a few minutes with my wife. (Maybe 25 minutes of total attention or time together compared to six hours at work plus many more preparing and getting to work, and the many more hours that my boss is in my mind).

Then eat, usually watch a movie after work (in spite of my resolve earlier to move forward on some of the other projects that I’ve committed to.) Then crash, sleep for an hour.

Then rarely, exercise. (I’m afraid to bicycle now with two falls in the last two sessions resulting from loss of balance due to my loss of functioning of hearing and balance nerves).

More often get back on the web and argue with far left and far right about Israel.

Then, get ready for bed, play some mind-exhausting games so I can fall asleep, some more posting about Israel, then put on my sleep apnia mask, then crash for six hours.

Repeated 5 days.

Then Saturday I visit my mother, who needs my visit, but it is also always stressful. We have fun too, laugh when we can hear each other. But, mostly just get her out of the facility that she’s in for some diversion. Long drive. 45 miles each way, with some of the most dangerous highway design in New England on the way.

Sunday is mine. (Lots of time writing about Israel, and playing video games. Eating yeah. Sleep.)

I don’t take vacations for myself. I can’t be away from my mother, missing more than one weekend in a row, and I can’t be away from work more than once in any two week period, for the unnecessarily complex payroll preparation exercise that no one else is remotely able to do.

Rat race.

Head down. No looking up to see what’s going on. Me and everyone.

Collectively. No looking up to see that we drive and drive and drive.

I can’t hear, so social interaction is difficult and always includes the tension of the struggle to hear, and all clouded by my permanent and persistent low level depression. No hope.

Just like my father.

(Then some breaking through, my wife making me laugh about something,)

No possible social change. No possible room to think, to see.

Guilty for seeking to enjoy my own life (by looking away from my problem-solving addiction), while others have to struggle.

Guilty for spending money on diversion at all.

Just guilty and trapped.

Too sensitive and not sensitive enough at the same time. A wound.

Which is the beginning of this circle? Anyone have any ideas? Social/political, emotional, simple failure to interrupt the cycling to take a minute to pursue wellness?

Why do others seem to focus just on their own lives, their own life-scale only (and not think about social problems, or anybody others’).

Why do I lack that skill?

Or, am I just seeing clearly, and commonly unable to make change in my own life, and socially. Doomed to watch slow decline, continual.

This is not a suicide note. But, I am in the middle of this. This is not an after-the-fact Oprah Winfrey interview of an epiphany.

Trying figure out, so that I can live decently.

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